Humor: the wine glut and luxury goods, abundance gone wild
Uncorked, published in The East Hampton Star
Way Too Much of a Good Thing
For some years now, the world has been producing more wine than it consumes. The New York Times recently reported that because of this wine glut, even premium French wines, those with France’s prestigious Appellations Appellations d'Origine Controlée classification, are being converted to ethanol. Instead of being bottled and getting to your dinner table they are being processed and added to your gasoline.
As I researched the “wine lake” (as some European observers call it) I began to wonder if this were a signal of a coming glut in all kinds of luxury goods. Here is what I imagine the world will be like groaning under a surplus of status symbols.
Bloomingdale’s, famous for its big brown bag, broke with tradition and dispensed with paper shopping bags, substituting Birkin bags from Hermes and Louis Vuitton totes for packaging most purchases. This will not only help to reduce the worldwide handbag glut, they claim, but will conserve paper. Environmental groups are naturally very pleased and are now focusing their attention on large size Fendi bags as a way to help preserve the Amazon rain forest.
Mayor Bloomberg announced that excess gold jewelry from Tiffany and Cartier will be mixed with asphalt to repair potholes in New York City streets this winter. Besides the obvious merit of saving asphalt and reducing the gold glut, having streets paved with gold brings back a part of New York folklore and should attract business and be a boon to tourism.
DeBeers, to reduce its vast inventory of diamonds, branched out into the building supply business. It claims it will compete on price with marble, granite and even brick for exterior cladding of new buildings. According to a spokesman, diamonds will be only slightly more expensive than plywood. Developers are interested, and the F. Scott Fitzgerald title, “The Diamond as Big as the Ritz” might soon be realized in Midtown.
Wal-Mart has instructed all its suppliers of pillows and upholstered furniture to discontinue shipping merchandise with polyester fill and to substitute cashmere or vicuna instead. With mountains of cashmere out there, the new merchandise will be cheaper than those now on the market. So far items with cashmere come only in soft, but denser versions will soon be available.
Chinese manufacturers have decided to immediately halt the production of flip-flops. Though they usually sell for just a few dollars, they can no longer compete with the vast numbers of Manolo Blahnik and Jimmy Choo shoes flooding the market. Even tenacious flip-flop wearers are now slipping into Gucci loafers for the beach.
Chanel planned to convert all its supplies of perfume to ethanol, but the great French chateaux that formerly made grand cru Bordeaux and Burgundies had already cornered that market. With nothing else to do, Chanel filled several tankers with No 5, Coco, Allure and other fragrances, but so far no country has agreed to accept and dispose of the overstock.
LVMH Moet Hennessy Louis Vuitton, the world’s foremost purveyor of luxury goods, is said to be planning a gigantic yard sale for holiday shoppers on the grounds of the Elysee Palace. Crowds of American consumers are chartering planes to Paris instead of going to the local mall. If the experiment is successful, expect to see garage sales at smart New York City parking garages in the vicinity of Madison Avenue.
Changes are also taking place closer to home. With the sellers of luxury goods gradually departing, East Hampton’s Main Street is slowly reverting to a typical small town thoroughfare with those once familiar bakeries, dry cleaners, shoemakers, luncheonettes and newspaper stores.
