A presidential visit? Get real.
President and Mrs. Clinton can’t spend all their time with Wall Street heavies and movie stars when they visit East Hampton in August. I would like to see the President get a real taste of local life and see what the rest of us have to deal all the time. Here are my suggestions for filling the hours between fund-raisers in the presidential schedule.
House hunting south of the highway.
I believe a nice afternoon out with a broker will go a long toward convincing the President that something has to be done about the American economy. It just is not keeping up with real estate prices in the Hamptons. A new economic program where we all become moguls of some sort is needed. The ordinary rich are being shut out of a market where you have to spend upwards of three or four million dollars to find a decent place to live. And that’s just to keep up with some 28-year-old business school graduate in his or her first job on Wall Street. Surely Washington can do something to keep the rest of us from falling behind.
A drive on the Montauk Highway on a cloudy weekend afternoon, without benefit of motorcycle escorts.
POTUS: “We’re going to be late for the party.”
Hillary: “It’s backed up from the monument in Bridgehampton. I told you you should have gotten the CIA to scan the back roads on a spy satellite.”
POTUS: “Gee, this must really cut into cocktails and party time here. The Republicans are crazy about road building. Maybe I can get Congress to put in a zippy no-speed-limit autobahn between East Hampton and Southampton instead of building all those superhighways that go no place in socially challenged states. Are we at the monument yet?”
Getting a Grand Prix table at the Hampton Classic.
POTUS, on a call to the Hampton Classic Horse Show office: “Hillary and I need a very good ringside table for the Grand Prix. We’ll be entertaining presidents and prime ministers, kings, queens, heads of state from all over the world. It will be very prestigious for the United States.”
Tony Hitchcock, director of the Classic: “Bill who? From where? Sorry, Mr. President, we’ve turned down people who are far richer than the government of the United States, so don’t even dream of buying your way in at the last minute. Maybe you could find a friend who already has a table. Or maybe you’d like to send your Treasury Secretary to negotiate a sponsorship package for next year. We’ll give you a nice red, white and blue two-page spread in the program, we’ll fly the flag, and you’ll get a sponsorship credit for the Star Spangled Banner. No flyovers with Air Force One, though. Might upset Lear Jet, our official airplane sponsor. By next year the nation will have a very nice table that you can use. By the way, don’t bring your limousine. Jaguar and Land Rover are our official automobile sponsors.”
Show up unannounced at the tent at Bridgehampton Polo.
POTUS: “Hi. I’m the President. All right if we go in the tent? Cool off, have a cigar and a beer maybe.”
Leggy Young Thing at Door: “Your name’s not on the list. Neither is hers. I’ll have to find Dana to see if it’s OK. Wait right here, don’t try to sneak in or wander around. And lose that security entourage, will you? Dana’s never going to let more than the two you in. And, please, have someone move your ghastly limo away from the gate. Mercedes is our official automobile sponsor.”
Call Nick & Toni’s Saturday afternoon for a reservation that night.
Bonnie, manager of Nick & Toni’s: “I can give you a table at 4:30 or 11:30.”
POTUS: “Can’t we get one at 8:30, when Steven and Alec and Kim and Ron and all our friends are there?”
Bonnie: “Well, if they really are friends of yours, I’ll try. You don’t mind sitting on the porch, do you?”
Shop for T-shirts and trinkets.
Hillary: “Remember, Bill, since you bought all those little gifts in Martha’s Vineyard, the Secret Service has instructions to physically restrain you if you wander too near a souvenir shop.”
Shop for lobster salad at Barefoot Contessa.
POTUS: “Holy cow, Hillary, this costs almost as much as our bailout package for Russia. These are Pentagon prices.”
Visit to Georgica beach.
Brownie parking officer: “With all due respect, this is not a global village. If you want to park you’ll need an East Hampton Village permit.”
You own it. Now use it.
President Clinton has lots of plummy invitations during his visit here. But even my best White House sources are refusing to confirm where he will be staying. I suggest the Cedar Point Lighthouse.
Among many advantages, this belongs to the government, and having the President and First Lady sleep over seems to me a perfectly logical use. First and foremost, President Clinton would be perceived by the big contributors as a property owner, putting to rest any pesky stray rumors of the First Couple as shnuring houseguests. As the owner of prime waterfront property, President Clinton--when fundraising--will not be thought of as, well, desperate for money. His self-esteem and the Democratic National Committee bankroll are sure to be raised several notches.
The lighthouse also solves several security nightmares that bunking in the center of East Hampton Village presents. It’s located at the end of a long narrow spit of land, on a point with magnificent views. There is only one land route to get to it. The entrance to the spit can easily be guarded by one or two security people, cutting down heavily on labor costs. Of course, the water routes will have to be secured, but just one aircraft carrier hovering in Gardiner’s Bay near Amagansett, the way they do in the Adriatic or Persian Gulf, will solve that.
The Cedar Point Light was constructed on the instructions of George Washington as part of the young country’s coastal defense system. President Clinton ought to be able to get a lot of mileage out of this direct link with the first President.
